So starts the new year.
January 1st, 2014.
Out with the old; in with the new.
Blabbity blah blah blahblahblah.
Blabbity blah blah blahblahblah.
I haven’t written much or posted a lot over this change in the times. I fluctuate between feeling like I have a shit load to say, to crossing sides and feeling I have so much to say who even cares where I start...so I stay quiet.
I wonder if this means I’m officially of the middle age mindset. I’ve spent recent time, more so in the last few weeks for sure, pondering the flip of the calendar. I’ve caught myself really wondering where the time has gone. I’ve felt wisps of memories of those I’ve lost over time, from the deaths of my mother or a colleague here and there, to even the loss’ of my choosing, such as my ex-husband or toxic friendships I once held.
The passing of time in general has hit me this year differently, and I don’t really know why. While I don’t long for those toxic relationships any day (I feel I have busted my proverbial emotional ass to rid myself of them truth be told), a sense of pondering, or hindsight wonderment has occurred to me, “why did life turn out this way?”
I remain a firm believer in things happening the way they are supposed to, which to me, is different than believing in simple fate. While I believe in a higher power, I have never feared one. I don’t wallow in bad things happening to good people, I simply hang my hat on good things happening to nice people. I know life goes on. I know life isn’t about the number of breaths but rather the moments that take our breath away, or however that overused, beat-to-death Instagram viral turned bedroom wall sticker decal goes. I get it. Still....blah.
The moments of 2013 can be summed up in the following, if anyone catches themselves wondering, “Hmmm, I wonder what she’s been up to?”:
My kids each grew a foot taller. Sometimes their attitudes and lip-back grew just as much, but for the most part, their hearts grew ten fold and for that I am grateful. Hopeful.
I gave up on a small personal dream of a bakery filled with good smells and loaded calories and instead invested my money and a solid portion of life and sanity into my husband’s (does everyone remember Mr. Thick Arms? Hubba hubba, still) business & dream. This has depleted my bank account and sleep pattern, respectively. T’is okay. *sigh*
I saw one (or 5) too many friends buried in the ground for my liking. This makes me sad, of course, yet grateful for the memories. My nostalgia ramps up with these memories. I don’t know what it is about this year and this feeling. It’s not really SADsad, it’s more like.....uhm. More like I’m watching my life in the motions it covers from the bleachers. Not sad. One step not involved tho too. That doesn’t even make sense to me and I’m the one who wrote it. I continue to search through the memories in my head, and just leave them as memories. I once felt the need to share every single memory, every story, every nuance of every detail of a story, a life, a relationship, as if they were all nothing more than a funny night-out story around the bar over a tap beer. Now, I catch myself loving the idea of holding something dear, like a memory, or the importance of a smell, or a funny line from a movie I once shared with someone, close to my sleeve. I find myself not always sharing those details, rather just nodding along, remembering to no one other than myself. And I’ve been okay with that.
The moments of 2013 can be summed up in the following, if anyone catches themselves wondering, “Hmmm, I wonder what she’s been up to?”:
My kids each grew a foot taller. Sometimes their attitudes and lip-back grew just as much, but for the most part, their hearts grew ten fold and for that I am grateful. Hopeful.
I gave up on a small personal dream of a bakery filled with good smells and loaded calories and instead invested my money and a solid portion of life and sanity into my husband’s (does everyone remember Mr. Thick Arms? Hubba hubba, still) business & dream. This has depleted my bank account and sleep pattern, respectively. T’is okay. *sigh*
I saw one (or 5) too many friends buried in the ground for my liking. This makes me sad, of course, yet grateful for the memories. My nostalgia ramps up with these memories. I don’t know what it is about this year and this feeling. It’s not really SADsad, it’s more like.....uhm. More like I’m watching my life in the motions it covers from the bleachers. Not sad. One step not involved tho too. That doesn’t even make sense to me and I’m the one who wrote it. I continue to search through the memories in my head, and just leave them as memories. I once felt the need to share every single memory, every story, every nuance of every detail of a story, a life, a relationship, as if they were all nothing more than a funny night-out story around the bar over a tap beer. Now, I catch myself loving the idea of holding something dear, like a memory, or the importance of a smell, or a funny line from a movie I once shared with someone, close to my sleeve. I find myself not always sharing those details, rather just nodding along, remembering to no one other than myself. And I’ve been okay with that.
I spent a lot of money on a stupid dog who needed emergency surgery because he ate a sock.
I quit a job that I wasn’t loving and got a new one that feels like a good fit. I pray I do it justice.
I have cried at a kabilllion more commercials and Lifetime movies than I did in 2012 or before.
I set out to lose 15 pounds and probably gained 5. (And as long as it’s the New Year I will say this: I hear SO MANY people state THIS is the year they stick to a resolution and get in shape (IE lose weight, run a marathon, eat better, turn vegan, cut out refined sugars, break a sweat, what have you) and I really just want to say SHUT UP and just eat the damn piece of bread. We all know you want it. Just accept it and move on. I really want to tell the woman in line at the salad bar, IT’S OKAY to eat what you want. I’ve seen people deprive themselves. They die just like the healthy ones do. If carbs make you happy, for God’s sake, eat the slice of bread. Be happy.
I was supposed to get pregnant and have an idyllic life with Thick Arms, and after months of trying and trying and trying (I know, I know. Don’t cry for me Argentina.) and tests and tests and tests, I was told it was a medical impossibility. I missed two days of work for that because I could just NOT.stop.crying. over that outcome. I OD’d on watching baby stories on YouTube and sat my infertile ass in a recliner and cried for 10 hours a day. It is one thing I will tear up over still if I think about. I am waiting to get over that. I will get over that.
Speaking of my dear husband, I did the unthinkable this year and in a absofuckinlutely milestone move, I danced for him. And YES, I mean THAT kind of dance. In full get up, boots and lace and shit and all. Jesus H. I can’t even tell you how drunk I had to be for that. I still shake my head in disgrace if I think about it. But, I’ll tell ya what....just this morning, this topic came up and his only contribution to the conversation was, “Ugh. Fuckin‘ hot!” so while I’m disgraced, I guess I’m also smirking a bit to myself when I turn away, 10 shades of red. I kept the fishnets.
I reconnected with some family who I had all but wrote off my page. Others, I’ve learned how to gracefully disconnect from without fanfare or drama. I kicked a lot of people off Facebook and learned the lesson in which ones of them noticed, and who didn’t. Telling, indeed. Freeing, too.
My 2013 in a nutshell has been like yours. One of set backs and triumphs, challenges and breezes. Moments of holding my breath, and those in which the exhale has been worth it all. In the end, we’re all buried in one way or another. So here’s my advice, eat the carbs, down the vodka and dance the sexy dance for the person who will appreciate it, don’t fret losing toxic people, and by all means, hug the ones who aren’t.
Cheers.
I quit a job that I wasn’t loving and got a new one that feels like a good fit. I pray I do it justice.
I have cried at a kabilllion more commercials and Lifetime movies than I did in 2012 or before.
I set out to lose 15 pounds and probably gained 5. (And as long as it’s the New Year I will say this: I hear SO MANY people state THIS is the year they stick to a resolution and get in shape (IE lose weight, run a marathon, eat better, turn vegan, cut out refined sugars, break a sweat, what have you) and I really just want to say SHUT UP and just eat the damn piece of bread. We all know you want it. Just accept it and move on. I really want to tell the woman in line at the salad bar, IT’S OKAY to eat what you want. I’ve seen people deprive themselves. They die just like the healthy ones do. If carbs make you happy, for God’s sake, eat the slice of bread. Be happy.
I was supposed to get pregnant and have an idyllic life with Thick Arms, and after months of trying and trying and trying (I know, I know. Don’t cry for me Argentina.) and tests and tests and tests, I was told it was a medical impossibility. I missed two days of work for that because I could just NOT.stop.crying. over that outcome. I OD’d on watching baby stories on YouTube and sat my infertile ass in a recliner and cried for 10 hours a day. It is one thing I will tear up over still if I think about. I am waiting to get over that. I will get over that.
Speaking of my dear husband, I did the unthinkable this year and in a absofuckinlutely milestone move, I danced for him. And YES, I mean THAT kind of dance. In full get up, boots and lace and shit and all. Jesus H. I can’t even tell you how drunk I had to be for that. I still shake my head in disgrace if I think about it. But, I’ll tell ya what....just this morning, this topic came up and his only contribution to the conversation was, “Ugh. Fuckin‘ hot!” so while I’m disgraced, I guess I’m also smirking a bit to myself when I turn away, 10 shades of red. I kept the fishnets.
I reconnected with some family who I had all but wrote off my page. Others, I’ve learned how to gracefully disconnect from without fanfare or drama. I kicked a lot of people off Facebook and learned the lesson in which ones of them noticed, and who didn’t. Telling, indeed. Freeing, too.
My 2013 in a nutshell has been like yours. One of set backs and triumphs, challenges and breezes. Moments of holding my breath, and those in which the exhale has been worth it all. In the end, we’re all buried in one way or another. So here’s my advice, eat the carbs, down the vodka and dance the sexy dance for the person who will appreciate it, don’t fret losing toxic people, and by all means, hug the ones who aren’t.
Cheers.
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